Campaigners have said sewage spills in Wales totalled more than 800,000 hours last year, a figure sufficiently large to invite the sort of administrative response normally reserved for passport renewals and minor parking disputes.
Under a proposed appointment system, each discharge would receive a five-minute window, a reference number and a reassuring instruction not to contact anyone unless the matter had exceeded its allocated period. Waterways would thereby gain the dignity of knowing precisely when they were being neglected.
Residents seeking clarification could enter a postcode into a portal and be shown a calming progress bar labelled “Containment Journey.” The bar would remain at 14% indefinitely, on the grounds that movement might create expectations.
A separate queue would allow members of the public to report that a scheduled release had occurred outside its designated slot. Their concern would be logged, merged with the existing concern, and assigned to the Department of Concerns Already Noted.
The scheme would not, strictly speaking, reduce the spills claimed by campaigners. It would, however, ensure that each one arrived bearing the paperwork appropriate to a modern public service, before drifting quietly into the next available river.
